Do You Need to Be More Self-Assertive?
I didn’t realize how important this need was for a long time. After different disappointments and a lot of anxiety, I began to realize that I had a bad habit I wasn’t aware of; I focused on pleasing others too much, and I didn’t speak up when I should have in business and in my personal life. Looking back now, I see my problem clearly. Maybe you have the same uncomfortable signals I did—signals such as feeling unimportant when I shouldn’t, or being unable to ask or tell someone something when I should have. Whatever your current situation, I hope you find my experience, and especially my learning, helpful. At the end, I’ll tell you what I’m doing now, at age 92, to change my bad habit. I hope you’ll find it helpful.
What is a Lack of Self Assertiveness—And Is It Important?
I can tell you that I have this problem, and that it wasn’t obvious to me for a long time. I now realize how important it was for me to recognize it and begin to do something about it.
Psychologists will tell you that a less assertive person is someone likely to be taken advantage of, feel helpless, take on everyone's problems, say yes to inappropriate demands and thoughtless requests, and allow others to choose for him or her. In other words, a person with a habit of being less assertive sends a message to others that he or she is not confident or not good enough. Those inhibitions and doubts can be small problems or they can be pretty serious. It’s a decision you have to make about your own life and expectations. But I think most people would agree, as psychologists do, that people need to be self-assertive to live a more complete and satisfying life. It’s as simple as that.
How Does This Bad Habit Start?
My bad habit started in childhood, and I would guess that’s how it happens with most people. In childhood, you quickly become aware of being less qualified than other people. Sometimes it’s just obvious that children aren’t as smart as adults, or that girls usually aren’t as physically strong as boys. But sometimes inferiority is not obvious, it’s learned. Everyone becomes aware of racial and other forms of bias.
In my own case, I learned early in life what my father expected of me; in a word, it was “obedience”. I wanted to be a “good boy” which meant I did as I was told and didn’t speak out of turn or display any unacceptable behavior—such as not shining my shoes, brushing my teeth, etc. In the beginning, that worked in my favor; I became acceptable. But it had a price I had to pay later. I became too focused on other people’s expectations and needs, sometimes at the expense of my own. I became what is now called a ”people pleaser”, but I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong.
It Often Takes Time to Realize You Have This Problem Habit
Like me, you may have to suffer through many problems before you realize your life isn’t working because you are incapable of speaking up and communicating more honestly with other people. You might tell yourself, “I just don’t express my feelings easily,” or “I don’t want to start unnecessary arguments”, but you’re just denying that you have a real problem that’s causing you trouble—until the trouble becomes too obvious for you to ignore. Maybe you don’t get a promotion, maybe the relationships you want don’t happen, or you feel no one really appreciates you. If you’re lucky, as I was, your problems become bad enough that you decide to seek therapy. That’s what I did finally, after my career at Y&R was becoming a painful struggle and my first marriage was falling apart. That’s when I started traditional Freudian psychoanalysis. Today, I would seek the modern version called cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
Do You Have Difficulty Asserting Your Ideas?
There are many emotional and behavioral signals according to psychologists, that can indicate you need to be more self-assertive. A general sign is feeling that others take advantage of you or that your needs are not being met. The good news is that assertiveness is a skill that can be developed over time through practice.
Do you often have any of the following feelings?
Resentment and anger: Do you regularly say "yes" but feel bitter and angry afterward?
Anxiety and stress: Do you constantly worry about what others think of you or fear conflict?
Low self-esteem or feelings of inadequacy: Do you feel helpless, insignificant, and unconfident in your own abilities?
Internal conflict: Do you may feel hurt or frustrated with yourself for not speaking up?
Abused: Do you feel you are being taken advantage of?
Give too much to others: Do you feel you frequently give up your time, money, or energy for others?
Ignored: Do you feel your ideas are overlooked?
You don’t have to experience all of these feelings, but these are the feelings that make you feel a general lack of respect, and that can be caused by a lack of self-assertiveness.
Dan’s Net Take-Away
If you think you might need to be more self-assertive, I urge you to think about it and consider finding help in overcoming this problem with a therapist. Improving your ability to be more self-assertive will definitely improve your life. In my experience, you need to do three things to reduce the power of this bad habit. Here’s what I’m doing:
Dan’s Plan
Accept you have a problem and commit to taking action.
Think about the ways in which this bad habit is reducing your success. Write them down and review them at times.
Tell yourself you can improve your life, and believe it, because you can.
Define your plan but be realistic, and consider therapy.
Realize that you’re changing an establish habit and it will take time.
Create your record of feelings and events. I keep a daily journal.
Start living your plan and find ways to stay motivated.
Start practicing your assertiveness with low-risk opportunities.
Be kind to yourself if you make mistakes, praise your successes.
If you suspect you have a deep-seated problem, don’t hesitate to talk to a therapist. The time and money you invest in therapy could be one of the best investments you’ll ever make in finding a better life. My life motto has become what I call the three “P”s: Stay Positive, Patient, and Persistent. Whatever you do, I wish you good luck.